, 4 min, 655 words
Tags: kayak-adventures
It will surprise nobody that I am a perfectionist. By that I don't mean that I have high standards for myself. I do, but there's more to perfectionism than that. In the words of Wikipedia, perfectionism is "striving for flawlessness and setting high performance standards, accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others' evaluations." And it can get in the way of doing your best, because there's a difference between striving for excellence and needing perfection. For anyone who's thinking "I want to be a perfectionist, that sounds great," check out some of the mental health consequences before wishing for something you don't actually want in your life.
In the past, perfectionism has stopped me from working hard. After all, imagine I give a task everything I have and come up short of impossibly high standards. That proves to me and the world that I wasn't good enough to do it. Far better, my perfectionist brain tells me, not to try. Better to pretend disinterest and not fail at something I care about. My perfectionist brain is full of crap.
The antidote to perfectionism is somehow convincing yourself to try something, even though you know it will not be perfect. This can be incredibly hard. Committing to try something regardless of whether you succeed can feel a bit like jumping off a cliff and hoping you land safely. However, by trying something, I am suddenly able to learn a lot more, a lot faster. This is my concept of trying to learn. To learn something, you should try it as fully as possible in a safe situation.
Almost six months ago, I had finished training as a kayak guide but was still shadowing experienced guides on sample trips. For context, shadowing trips is the first step of the checkout process for new guides, which eventually allows new guides to lead trips on their own. After shadowing a few trips, a new guide starts to "check out" by leading trips with a shadowing returning guide. The returning guide offers feedback and suggestions, and can intervene if the trip starts to go downhill. If the returning guide and Trent (the big boss) both feel that the new guide in question can successfully lead the trip, then they give their stamp of approval and the guide is "checked out." At that point, the guide can lead that trip on their own.
Getting checked out is a rite of passage for new guides, and it's something that is followed and celebrated by the whole guiding community. It's not meant to be scary – it's a way to safely approve new guides to lead trips. And if you don't check out on one trip, then you go out and try again until you do.
After a scant three shadow trips, Trent and a returning guide told me they thought I was ready to check out. I wasn't so sure. The perfectionist in me wanted to spend more time shadowing until I was certain I could lead a 100% fabulous trip. Frankly, I was scared to try to check out and then hear I wasn't ready for it yet.
In the end, I recognized my perfectionist brain trying to undermine me. I reconciled myself to trying to check out regardless of the outcome. Here's the thing that finally convinced me: if I tried and failed, I sure would learn a lot more than on a shadow trip!
That didn't just fix the whole thing. It was still hard to commit to trying. I was still scared to start the trip. But as the trip went on it felt incredible to be leading it, and I caught glimpses of the guide I would become over the course of the summer. And the other funny thing: the outcome wasn't important. Just by trying, I learned.